I am a little afraid to file for divorce because I am feeling like I might not be protected in court. No house or car payments 1.4 plus million estateyet if i buy a pair of work shoes all hell breaks loose. Most things in my home are blamed on myself or our ASD adult son. No matter what decision you make, its important to do whats best for you. For example, I was taking a bath, something I rarely do, but had played pickleball and was all sweaty. I am suffering greatly. Aspergers are usually characterized by social awkwardness and communication difficulties. This could include problems with sensory processing, anxiety, and depression. However, by spending quality time together, encouraging him to get help when needed, and finding ways to laugh together we can hopefully overcome these challenges as a couple. People with Aspergers can have difficulty with relationships for a variety of reasons. Leslie, I am so thankful for this post. After the wedding he informed me that he didnt want to be married but we would pretend in front of our friends and family so he wouldnt look like a loser. Years of breastfeeding due to weight issues, keeping him from hitting his head when people would say Just let him learn and I knew he would hurt himself. This can make it difficult to form and maintain relationships. Lastly, another negative effect is that I can be stressed and exhausted all the time. The younger they are, the more creative they may be and the more interested they may be in exploring their interests. Its me that causes everything that is not good that happens happen. But I can right now, be grateful for the relaxing warm water I get to soak in. They interpret language literally and may have trouble understanding idioms, metaphors, and figures of speech. These resources can provide you with immediate help. You can also book afree therapyor download our freeAndroidoriOS app. He is obsessed with counting our investments on a daily basis. Hi, I'm new. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to find the right therapist is important. The damage feels the same, the PTSD diagnosis is still PTSD. That is something you must wrestle through and talk to God about. Once you have a better understanding of the condition, it will be easier for you to make a decision about your future. I wonder how many of those beautiful moments we miss because were looking backwards or forwards with anxiety or regret? He is an NT fully capable of being kind, considerate, etc., but chooses not to. A relationship can be built upon the foundation of respect, trust, and love if you are committed to your partner and willing to learn about their experiences and viewpoints. So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. Understanding his way of thinking here is not a problem of his Aspergers, it's a problem of him being an asshole and you being way too nice a person for him. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and I can honestly say that it has not always been easy. At Mantra Care, we have a team of therapists who provide affordableonline therapyto assist you with issues such asdepression,anxiety,stress,relationship,OCD,LGBTQ, andPTSD. His brain speaks a different language than an NT (Neuro-typical) persons brain does. He will unintentionally do some things that upset you. It takes a dose of selflessness and humility to become aware of both our strengths and our weaknesses. The Cassandra Phenomenon is a definite. This can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships. He was a computer person and often states how much harder his job was than mine. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. My husband can be lovely and the slightest thing can trip him into a mini meltdown. This can make everyday tasks like grocery shopping or taking a walk very difficult for him. My husband is capable, but ignores the queues. What you're describing is not normal, healthy or excusable, Aspergers or no. The person with ASD can seem intensely devoted if a bit socially awkward. Just saying between nursing and Aspergers my life has been crazy. I just wanted the same thing everyone else had. I dont think he would make it sufficiently alone. Ill be speaking 7 different times, some on panels, but I will need. Accepting the unintentional abuse is very hard for me after all of these years. I cant have bathtub fixed because it isnt broken, if I put a wash cloth in drain hole the water will stay in long enough to get a fast bath besides I can use the shower! First, I hope you are getting your own help for your trauma symptoms and guilty feelings. If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger dont use this site. It feels right and it feels good to have joy once again. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. There can be many signs that may depict that my husband has Aspergers. Have a blog question you'd like to submit? For me, I dont want to miss the beauty and goodness of the moment because Im not paying attention. Something went wrong. That's why I wrote an answer to: How do you handle weirdos? And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. They may also have trouble understanding and maintaining eye contact, which can make conversation very difficult. My son has AS, and he is very conscious about loving other people and not bringing his own difficulties into his relationships. I can enjoy the pillow that holds my head back comfortably, the soothing smell of lavender, and the silkiness of the soap bubbles against my dried-out skin. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. I so appreciate it. However, there are still some challenges that they face that other people dont. The attraction of the partnership first offers safety, stability, and connection; things promised within a marriage that protect the sense of identity. Not all people who have Aspergers syndrome are low functioning. Another benefit is that my husband can be a great father. The issue cannot be solved by naming it. It can make key relationships, such as empathy and trust, difficult to build and maintain if it is not addressed. I gave up. Do an anxiety check-in: Ask yourself, Where am I on a 10-point scale?. Asperger's syndrome is a complex developmental disorder in which the normal (NT) spouse's situation is difficult to grasp for others. )and that wasnt enough. I just dont know what to do moving forward. Question My husband is on the autism spectrum. its easy to find excuses or pretend that ASD can be controlled, but ASD is a real condition. Many people with Aspergers Syndrome want to have close, intimate relationships but may have trouble with social skills and communication. Aspergers is a condition that is often misunderstood, and it can be difficult for those who have it and their loved ones. Online TherapyPhysiotherapyDiabetesHypertensionWeight Loss / GainPrimary Care, Employers / CorporatesHealth plansDoctors / ProvidersTherapists, Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Refund Policy | Our Locations. There is a chance that what you see as cold or rude is a symptom of autism. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? Lose the tension., My words Am I being kind, or hurtful? Married for 13. I struggle trying to maintain the house and have to pay people to do most things now. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. He just cant see whats wrong. Im so sorry for all the women who are suffering in this kind of a marriage. . If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! I dont know much about this topic, but I wanted to share what Ive seen. The concept of unrequited love is that it exists despite layers of pain. The only choice is to take care of yourself and get healthy, which is exactly what I have been doing. I'm married for 35 yrs and my husband has AS. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. He told me I was not his type. Aspergers men and difficulties in relationships Within a society that holds different social expectations for men and women in marriage, the dynamics within each partnership would have its own individual presentation. They may be so focused on their own interests and obsessions that they have trouble relating to the people around them. So having forbearance is understanding that we are dealing with imperfect humanity in relationships and not expecting or being surprised at ones weaknesses. I have a big soaker tub but am usually in a hurry so showering is my go-to. A variety of self-help and support groups can be found on the Internet. Another reason is that they may have difficulty communicating their needs and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings. When their partner complains, they might take that to mean that their partner doesnt understand their pressures or that theyre getting in the way. There is no reciprocity and I exist alone, and previously in deep despair , in a so called marriage. He will talk. I am a Christian and believe divorce to be a sin. Thank you, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart! There are many resources available to you, and you deserve to be safe and happy. This can be difficult at times since there are many challenges faced by those diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Did not feel safe. Individuals on the Autism spectrum have difficulty perceiving peoples intentions, needs, feelings, or motivations and therefore often respond inappropriately in social situations. No response. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. She believes her husband has Aspergers syndrome, despite the fact that he is on the autistic spectrum. So, if you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to reach out. Would you feel guilty if you were sick with cancer and needed to have your own treatment? Another benefit is that I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. It really feels just plain creepy. As a result, it may be difficult for a couple to find love. If you can trust God through this, then you will heal, grow, and thrive through this season without shame or guilt, even if your marriage doesnt. He threw such a fit when i had 400.00 a month from my check deposited in my checking account that i finally relented and let him have control of all the money because he litterally would not shut up and let me sleep. But you too have a part to play here. People with AS exhibit empathy despite being stigmatized as such, despite the fact that this is a mental illness that harms their ability to communicate. But the general areas of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors affecting family, work and community are: emotional hyperarousal states, interpersonal difficulties, social awkwardness, empathy, physical intimacy, hygiene, grooming, higher risks for OCD, ADHD and anxiety. Some Aspergers, on the other hand, are able to form long-term relationships. Forbearance is a Biblical term meaning learning to accept a fault or a weakness without resentment or rancor. Instead he continues to be verbally abusive, gaslight me and his children, invalidate all of our feelings all the time, and run off to be a work addict or TV time. It is one of the most humiliating responses for NT-spouses, when they are not taken seriously by others. But this night, I thought soaking in the tub would relax my tired and achy muscles. I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. I want to go to part time at work now that i am 62 and you can imagine what kind of a fight has ensued. If you are in a relationship with someone who is Aspergers, it is critical to maintain patience and understanding. One sign could be poor motor skills. It's an autism spectrum disorder. I knew he had problems but choose to stay with him. Some people with Aspergers may be more comfortable with online relationships or relationships with people who understand and accept their condition. He was so frustrated. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. I do not know if there is a way out of this mess for me? This condition impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment, affecting all areas of life from socializing to working. It did not change because the damage came from an Aspergers man. Then Im asked to identify palm trees, not enough again.Then it was motorcycles. Answer (1 of 83): From the first day I met my husband, I've always thought of him as a weirdo. Thanks. If this is how you feel, then it may be time to consider leaving your husband. ), Theres a lot of overlap. Mantra Care aims at providing affordable, accessible, and professional health care treatment to people across the globe. As an Aspie, echoing this. After the separation, he seemed to start working harder and wants me to come back. If he refuses to listen or tries to gaslight you, then it may be time to leave the relationship. Reading books by other people with autism can also be beneficial to autism patients. This can be difficult, but it is important to try to understand your husbands perspective. For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Aspergers syndrome, there is a free test for it at www.aspergerstestsite.com. In relationships, we often look for a synchronized response from our partners to feel validated, anchored and held in the relationship. I recommend that people (both partners in the relationship) print out this article (modify it for your own traits and habits to work on) and look at it daily at least twice a day by keeping it in a place that you spend a lot of time at, like an office desk, meditation/prayer nook, bedside table, or on your phone, and really commit to this. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. They are always right and will be harsh, rude, mean, gaslight you, selfish, cruel and in their minds you are always to blame! No individual, no matter how talented, intelligent, or spiritual, has all 52 cards in their deck. Im curious, however, what is your husbands response to his diagnosis and the effect his limitations have on you? We have four kids, 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom was diagnosed ASD several years ago. No, he does not feel concern or the need to read about it or adjust anything. I suspect my husband has Aspergers. To answer your question, Is my husband accepting of his diagnosis? He has many of the symptoms, such as difficulty socializing, obsession with certain interests, and problems with eye contact. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! I Feel Guilty Leaving. People with Aspergers often have trouble reading nonverbal cues, such as body language or facial expressions. , and professional health care treatment to people across the globe my words am I being,! Understand and accept their condition he had problems but choose to stay with him how! 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