In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. Try Meetup.com, a class, finding an exercise buddy who is at your level and who likes to do the same stuff you like, volunteering. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. His comfort may depend on your discomfort and misery. In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. Agreed. I hope so. And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. I personally believe strongly that relationships work best when your partner loves you and likes you as you are now, while also supporting you growing and changing to become the version of yourself you aspire to be. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. Seconded! Hooo yes. Tell him the reasons why so he can understand. You still get to decide whether you like him. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? I dont know your boyfriend or all of the details. Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! ), how long would you live like this? Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. Again, I dont know your boyfriend/relationship, but if he (and if you + your therapist are okay with this) is willing to come to therapy with you, it could be an option. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. Im rooting for you, LW, because this was one of the toughest ongoing issues in our relationship for a while, and I had to show him that what works as treatment for some people cant be applied to everyone broadly and without that persons permission. Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. And when he realized that I wasnt counting walking as exercising but really enjoyed it, he encouraged me to think of walking as exercise, brainstormed ways WITH ME to fit it into my day more, offered to walk with me, and asked me if I wanted a pedometer (note: he did not just buy me one), 4) when I felt like I couldnt do anything but lay on the couch and rewatch TV shows Id already seen, he sat next to me and read, or watched his own shows with headphones in and just quietly let me know he was there WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. Hello, me from the past! It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. Many sympathies. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. The important element? Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship. Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. Its hard not to get triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to do with weight/appearance. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. Yeah, the LWs boyfriends words sound like the very worst of my jerkbrains words. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. Listen respectfully and be open to talking about his feelings. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. Not good. Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. 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